We as humans love to be loved by others. When we’re young, love, or the idea of it, plagues us with its intensity and desire. Even as we age, we long for deep and lasting emotion given to us by others so that we feel free to fall into giving the same for her or him. Inevitably we meet another who we offer these feelings to and in turn are rejected. That pain is not like many other things. It includes obsessive thoughts of that person, the imagined life you would have had together that dies every time you remember losing that person and the lamenting of the secret truth you believe you know; you were both suitable for each other, loved each other and could have made it work.
First step to stop thinking about someone:
So what is the first step on how to stop thinking about someone? There are literally thousands of suggestions out there on how you go about “forgetting”. But the truth is, you don’t want to forget, and the thought of doing so feels like a betrayal of the self. So part of the first step is to convince yourself that the actions you next take in order to distance yourself and possibly forget are best for you. Disassociating from the fact that the other person is gone is much easier to do if you think of your internal struggle to survive as two people with separate needs. One person would like to continue being in love with the object of your affections. The other person recognizes that to survive, seeing a life without that person is a better option than continuing to suffer with limited hope of achieving your heart’s goals.
To think this way is to go beyond the immediate suffering you’re experiencing and begin to negotiate with yourself on what amount of time you are allowed to grieve or otherwise feel irrationally about the person you want to stop thinking about. When emotions are volatile, there is an innate desire to make out people, events and facts as black and white. Fighting this urge helps keep the perspective that people are people, not naturally malicious or hurtful entities that you should feel paranoia over.
The next part is that when you feel well and truly that you don’t know how to stop thinking about someone, it’s best not to answer the question of how you stop, but instead try to answer and easier one. For instance:
How should I spend my time when I feel like this?
Who can I talk to?
Where are places that I can go that are safe physically as well as devoid of associations with my ex/rejector?
What does survival-me want and what does emotional-me want?
When you are missing the person you love, the small happenings that can tear you away from your sad feelings often feel as though they aren’t an option. Sometimes we believe that if we just continue to appreciate a person in absentia by denying ourselves pleasurable things, that he or she will somehow return to find you still emotionally committed to him or her and appreciate that you’ve done this. The truth is, you have a better chance of making a lover or partner return if you do not indicate emotional instability by holing up in your room, getting drunk or not behaving normally. If answering the easier question of how you stop thinking about someone causes the feeling that you are betraying your ex, it's time to trick yourself into doing what is necessary. You can do this by rationalizing actions that are beneficial to you either way should you choose to keep your thoughts on someone, or try to move on.
Tricking yourself into doing pleasurable things against your emotional interests, but in your overall best interest can help you train an acceptable level of self awareness of what your problems actually are. This makes you a better person to love and love others.
Here are some questions to help guide you:
Would I still want to go out to this bar/club/event if I was still in decent standing with (fill in the blank)? If so, then I should go. What three people should I hang out with this week?
What can I make/bake/cook/create that would taste good or look cool?
How to stop thinking about someone is not something that can ever be encompassed in a single answer. Of the first two steps, distancing yourself by answering easier questions and forcing action outside of your unpleasant feelings on your part, encompass decisions you can take to help blot out the flow of unwanted thoughts. The third step is an old favorite that has always been effective in how to stop thinking about someone; time. Step one and two are actions that cover for time while it progresses to lessen the pain of rejection and abandonment.
As human beings, most of us are not capable of reliving every moment as it was when we first created the memory of it. If we were, we might not fall in love more than once or have a child more than once. As such, strong feelings and memories tend to drift away, if not nurtured. While your metaphorical back is turned and going out with friends or learning new recipes, you’ll find that the black hole where thoughts of the person you wanted to forget becomes a little less large each day. Bear in mind, it is easy to relapse, obsess and relive pain. It is much harder to want control and then be in control. Maintaining that control over time will be the surest way to pick actions and thoughts that will show you how to stop thinking about something.
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