Wanting to get your girl back after she’s dumped you is a natural reaction; it’s like falling asleep after sex and not always something you can help. To put it simply, you feel how you feel.
In fact, there’s almost a fairy tale essence applied to getting dumped. She broke your heart and you’ve summoned everyone – all the king’s horses and all the king’s men – to put it back together again. But, alas, they can’t; only she can.
Still, before you go running up her walk to beg her for another chance, take a second to think. It turns out, there’s actually quite a bit to consider.
The first thing is why you want her back. Do you love her? Do you miss her? Do you think she could be the one you’ll spend your life with? If the answer is yes, then okay: at least you’re fighting for the right reasons. If the answer is no, however, you’ve got a problem.
Sometimes, guys want to reunite with the person who broke their heart for one reason: sweet, sweet victory. They want to win. If this is the case with you, join a kickball team or go play pinochle – the emotions of another aren’t a game. Getting back with an ex merely so you can win really does two main things: wastes her time, and makes you seem less like a man and more like a character from a 90s teen comedy.
Of course, trying to reconcile only to claim victory also hurts you; it makes you a hostage to her acceptance, an acceptance that isn’t guaranteed.
When You Carry Her Heart In Yours
E.E. Cummings, one of the most famous American poets, wrote one of the most famous romantic lines: “I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart).”
If this is how you feel about your ex, then look at your breakup as a blessing in disguise.
You may find this ridiculous, believing that a breakup is as helpful to a relationship as a layoff is to a career. But her breaking up with you has provided you with an opportunity – to show her what you’re made of.
A breakup is an opportunity for you to lead – to take the vision you have for your life and to make it a reality.
If you want to think of it in terms that sound less like an infomercial motivational speaker, think of it this way: something in your relationship was wrong.
She wasn’t happy and you weren’t either, at least not in terms of how happy you could have been. You felt a need to have her validate you as a man and this breakup has gifted you with an important lesson: you save yourself or you remain unsaved.
You alone must learn who you are, capitalize on your strengths, and fix your faults. You must become a rock, comfortable with your identity. No woman will complete you (nor do they want to), no matter how far you’ve carried her heart with you.
Once you’ve done that, your relationship can reach more trusting, loving, and expressive levels. It really comes down to human nature: when you have faith in yourself, others have faith in you.
The Ignoring Factor
Now, a lot of guys read the above and they conclude that they should ignore their ex – not answer when they call, bail on plans, be elusive when encountering them at the corner deli.
While this can sometimes work – women often want what they can’t have just like men do – the problem is that you’re putting on an act.
An act might be fine as a short-term solution, but you’ve got to think long-term. If it’s your act that has lured your ex back into your life, what will happen when the mask falls off?
Taking Time for Yourself
Rather than putting on an act and risk appearing as though you are playing games, step back for a second and realize that all of this is going to take time.
Take a moment for yourself – take three weeks, a month, six weeks, whatever you need before you attempt to reconcile with lost love.
Some guys fear doing this – they are certain by the time their six week wait is up, their ex will have forgotten about them; they’ll be married, pregnant, and riding off into the sunset with someone who makes a lot more money.
However, in actuality, this won’t happen for one reason: your ex is in mourning too. The relationship was both of yours – you each lost something.
Even if she’s the one who did the dumping, that doesn’t mean she’s not sad, regretful, and yearning for happier times.
It’s okay to be single: embrace being comfortable with it. Because if you’re not able to be single, then you have no business being in a relationship either.
The Three Steps to Get Your Girl Back
Ultimately, getting your girl back involves three steps.
Step one: honor the breakup. It’s happened; accept it. Allow yourself to believe that things will be okay even if you don’t reconcile – breakups and middle school: we’ve all been through them. We’re still here.
Give yourself time to digest things, go out and have fun, find a new hobby or interest, keep living your life. You may feel like you don’t want to do much of anything, but force yourself: every day it’ll hurt a little less until, one day, it doesn’t hurt anymore.
Step two: reconnect with the people in your life that you love. If you’ve let your social circle shrivel, build back up your networks. You need supportive and caring people around you, even when you’re not going through a breakup. Ask others about your relationship – get their opinion. It might help open up your eyes.
Step three: if you know you love this woman, have a conversation with her. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy: coffee, a sandwich, the Target Food Court.
But have a real conversation. Talk about the dynamic of your relationship – what worked, what didn’t. Lay it all on the table. This doesn’t mean you need to apologize profusely and promise to change – be confident, be masculine, but be willing to work on making things right.
The Power of Perseverance
If your ex is unwilling to have a conversation with you the first time you ask, don’t lose hope.
In fact, you should probably expect her to refuse you the first time, the second time, and maybe the third time.
She is getting used to the idea of reconciliation too.
Still, don’t be afraid to be persistent and take her refusal as a chance for you to show her that you can rise to the occasion; perseverance does pay off. Believe it or not, when some women are asked why they married their husband, they look at them lovingly and simply say, “Because he wouldn’t go away.”
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